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"Navigating Self-Approval and Seeking Intrinsic Value"

Dec 28, 2023 - 11:19amSummary: The speaker received notifications of Chiaki editing shared notes, initially feeling anger but later sensing less of it. Chiaki went to Austin to visit Kristen and Dave, which seemed to have a positive impact on her. The speaker reflected on the sadness and pain of their relationship and felt uncertain about their own future. They expressed deep sadness in losing Chiaki and Gabi, feeling a sense of loss and loneliness, and struggling with a newfound sense of self. The speaker contemplated calling Austin and expressed feeling very lonely. The speaker reflects on leaving a traumatic friendship and the lasting impact it had on them, leading to fear and reluctance to confront the situation. They express a desire to focus on personal growth and self-approval, acknowledging the need to overcome a fear of disapproval and find confidence in their ideas and self-worth. The internal struggle between seeking external validation and finding intrinsic value in their own ideas and self-worth is evident in their introspection. The speaker recognizes the need to revisit their goals for personal development and give themselves space to grow beyond the trauma. The speaker emphasizes the importance of self-validation and independence, expressing the idea that one's worth and ideas are inherently valuable, and do not require external approval. They reflect on their own need for growth and self-improvement and express missing a person, comparing their relationship to being on vacation - a hedonistic experience that they may not want permanently. The speaker wrestles with the idea of being solely reliant on external approval and wrestles with the dynamics of their relationship and sense of self. The person expresses the joy of spending time with friends outdoors and considers doing similar activities alone, such as hiking and camping. They reflect on the significance of observing their family and a successful long-term partnership, emphasizing the importance of accepting someone's quirks. Additionally, they share their sensitivity towards feeling jealous that a friend spent time with others in person, expressing a desire for deeper connections with their friends and a commitment to fostering these relationships. The speaker expresses genuine concern about someone's well-being and hopes they are not experiencing health issues. They reflect on receiving gifts and letters from this person, which serves as a reminder of the past and prompts thoughts about the nature of their past interactions. They question whether they were truly enjoying moments together and ponder their own ability to find happiness in solitude. Additionally, they contemplate the type of relationships and experiences they seek, considering their desire for change on a larger scale and questioning if that aligns with their true wishes. The speaker expresses a sense of responsibility towards self-care and concern for the world, emphasizing the importance of understanding personal meaning. They highlight the significance of physical activity such as swimming and facing challenges while also valuing engaging with individuals striving for change. The speaker questions the lack of action when similar issues are acknowledged and ponders on ways to maximize existing resources. Ultimately, they seek to connect with others through deep conversations and explore the meaning of being human in a meaningful way. The speaker is finding everything challenging and plans to take a break to listen to John Verbeke for 10 minutes before calling Austin and Alex later in the day.

Transcript: Uh, I just... Well, I got notifications from Chiaki editing some shared notes, and... First, there was anger. But... There's less of that now. And... It looks like she went to Austin and visited Kristen and Dave. And I hope that that trip was very good and healing for her. It seems like it has been, from the notes that I read. And... I'm just happy that, you know, she's trying to work on herself and be better in the future. And it also just reminds me of all of the sadness and pain that came along with that relationship. And... My own general confusion at this very moment. And... Feeling extremely uncertain of... What's next, and... What do I want, and all of this, and... Just wondering how much more silence I need in time to work on myself. And... It makes me extremely sad to lose Chiaki. For the end of time. It makes me very sad. Because I do see her as a wonderful person. And it sucks that it got thrown in with all of this confusion. And... Effectively my relationship with Gabi ending as well. And I'm feeling a large sense of loss right now. Quite frankly. And... A throwing of deeper into an unknown. Having a sense of who I thought I was. And that being kind of torn away from me in some way. And... And now developing it, having to develop it on my own. Excited about that, but also... It feels lonely right now. I feel very lonely. And... Maybe I'll call Austin after I... I... Stop. But yeah, I just feel very lonely. It's a tough thing, that. This dream that I had of kind of reliving... Gabi yelling, I mean... Leaving. Exiting the friendship. Having that dream, I realized that that event was traumatizing for me. And maybe as part of the reason why I reacted in the way that I did with Chiaki too, is I had just gone through trauma and now someone is trying to blame me for my trauma. It's kind of fucked up. But, I don't blame Chiaki for that. It's just a feeling. But, also, knowing I am quite scared to see Gabi again. Scared to see her. Because I don't really want to have a confrontation again. That confrontation was just so horrible. But, I guess it's something that must be done. So, I think seeing Chiaki's reflection makes me think maybe I should be reflecting a bit more. But, some of it is maybe not wanting to dwell in the past of what I could do better. Or rather, what can I do better today? Because in the past, I almost don't know what I would have done better or differently in some way. There's a few small things that I think, and maybe it's time to revisit my list of growth and see how I can work on those things. How do I give myself space and room to grow and not be scared? Because I think that's a lot of it. Because there's this scared child inside. Needing approval. Needing approval. Needing the ideas that I have to have approval. That without that approval, those ideas aren't worth anything. That I'm not worth anything. But, I am worth something. And my ideas do add value. Whether I value them or not is My choice. And giving my kid a sense of self, a kid inside of me, the ability and capability to grow and tell myself that the ideas are valuable and that approval is enough. I don't need that validation from the outside world to say that it is enough. It is inherently enough. I don't need approval from my dad. I don't need approval from my parents, my grandparents, my cousins. I don't need approval from anyone. I don't need approval from Pasquale. I don't need approval from Dave. I do not need approval from Kristen. I do not need approval from Danny. I do not need approval from John. I hope to share with them things that I do and I hope that it will be taken. But I do not need approval to do it. I do not need approval from Jamie. So, yeah, I guess just reiterating that, seeing that she's working on herself makes me extremely happy. It also makes me think I need to do better myself. And I do miss her. I do miss her. I guess in some ways our relationship was like being on vacation. Maybe that's why it was hard. It's probably why things are hard for me now. It feels like being stuck on vacation. I don't know if I want to be on vacation all the time. It's a kind of hedonism that is. And I don't know if I'm into that. I don't know if I'm into that. Good time with good friends. Getting to enjoy time outside. Maybe doing some more of those things on my own. Going on hikes by myself. Doesn't always have to be an adventure sport. Going camping by myself. Finding solace and solitude. And I guess with all of this, too, is seeing my family. Observing what it is like to be in a long-term, successful partnership. And how it's knowing someone intimately through their quirks. And accepting their quirks. And not disregarding them. The little kid in me is also sensitive right now. Sensitive to the fact that Chiaki spent time with Kristen and Dave in person. And I feel jealous. Partially because I wish to spend time with them in person, too. And that I wish I had a slightly deeper connection sometimes. To both of them. And maybe the depth is already there. I don't know. I don't know. But she is allowed to be friends with whoever she pleases to. And so can my friends. And that's okay. And really what I just said is I want a deeper connection to friends at the end of the day. And I want to foster that. Genuinely. I hope she's doing well. I hope she's not having seizures. I hope she's healthy. I hope she's finding happiness. I hope she's doing well. It's interesting, some of the things that I'm thinking in my head right now, of, there's always reminders of the past. Getting these gifts and stuff from her, and letters, it all feels like a reminder of the past. Remember what it was like. Think about it, what it can be. But, yeah, I don't know. When we talk, were we really enjoying those moments together, at the end of the day? Some of the question for myself is, too, is am I enjoying the moments by myself? And if I'm not, what am I seeking? What am I looking for? What do I want in the moments by myself? What are the moments that I wish to have in friendships and relationships with other people? How do I foster those better? Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes it feels like the seeking is a desire to change the world at a massive scale. But, I wonder, is that really what I wish? Is that really what I wish to do? It's like, if I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of the whole world? What does it mean for me to take care of myself? I mean, largely that is a question of what is meaningful to me. Largely that is the question. It's like, if I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of the whole world? Part of taking care of myself is being outside, no doubt, and getting exercise and to some degree even a hard exercise, like swimming. That was hard. Not backing away from a challenge. To be surrounded by people who are thinking deeply about the world and are trying to actually change in the small ways that they can. And I wish to help them with that too. Sometimes it feels like we all see some of the same kinds of things and yet not much is being done about it. What are the ways that we can do more with what we have already? These are so vague questions. Even answers. And for me it becomes, well, who are going to be the people? What does it mean to be in deep conversation with someone? What is meaningful as a human being? Thank you. All of this is challenging. I'm going to pause this and I guess listen to John Verbeke for at least 10 minutes. And then I guess give Austin a call soon. I'll probably call Alex today too.

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