Transcript: Uh, I just... Well, I got notifications from Chiaki editing some shared notes, and... First, there was anger. But... There's less of that now. And... It looks like she went to Austin and visited Kristen and Dave. And I hope that that trip was very good and healing for her. It seems like it has been, from the notes that I read. And... I'm just happy that, you know, she's trying to work on herself and be better in the future. And it also just reminds me of all of the sadness and pain that came along with that relationship. And... My own general confusion at this very moment. And... Feeling extremely uncertain of... What's next, and... What do I want, and all of this, and... Just wondering how much more silence I need in time to work on myself. And... It makes me extremely sad to lose Chiaki. For the end of time. It makes me very sad. Because I do see her as a wonderful person. And it sucks that it got thrown in with all of this confusion. And... Effectively my relationship with Gabi ending as well. And I'm feeling a large sense of loss right now. Quite frankly. And... A throwing of deeper into an unknown. Having a sense of who I thought I was. And that being kind of torn away from me in some way. And... And now developing it, having to develop it on my own. Excited about that, but also... It feels lonely right now. I feel very lonely. And... Maybe I'll call Austin after I... I... Stop. But yeah, I just feel very lonely. It's a tough thing, that. This dream that I had of kind of reliving... Gabi yelling, I mean... Leaving. Exiting the friendship. Having that dream, I realized that that event was traumatizing for me. And maybe as part of the reason why I reacted in the way that I did with Chiaki too, is I had just gone through trauma and now someone is trying to blame me for my trauma. It's kind of fucked up. But, I don't blame Chiaki for that. It's just a feeling. But, also, knowing I am quite scared to see Gabi again. Scared to see her. Because I don't really want to have a confrontation again. That confrontation was just so horrible. But, I guess it's something that must be done. So, I think seeing Chiaki's reflection makes me think maybe I should be reflecting a bit more. But, some of it is maybe not wanting to dwell in the past of what I could do better. Or rather, what can I do better today? Because in the past, I almost don't know what I would have done better or differently in some way. There's a few small things that I think, and maybe it's time to revisit my list of growth and see how I can work on those things. How do I give myself space and room to grow and not be scared? Because I think that's a lot of it. Because there's this scared child inside. Needing approval. Needing approval. Needing the ideas that I have to have approval. That without that approval, those ideas aren't worth anything. That I'm not worth anything. But, I am worth something. And my ideas do add value. Whether I value them or not is My choice. And giving my kid a sense of self, a kid inside of me, the ability and capability to grow and tell myself that the ideas are valuable and that approval is enough. I don't need that validation from the outside world to say that it is enough. It is inherently enough. I don't need approval from my dad. I don't need approval from my parents, my grandparents, my cousins. I don't need approval from anyone. I don't need approval from Pasquale. I don't need approval from Dave. I do not need approval from Kristen. I do not need approval from Danny. I do not need approval from John. I hope to share with them things that I do and I hope that it will be taken. But I do not need approval to do it. I do not need approval from Jamie. So, yeah, I guess just reiterating that, seeing that she's working on herself makes me extremely happy. It also makes me think I need to do better myself. And I do miss her. I do miss her. I guess in some ways our relationship was like being on vacation. Maybe that's why it was hard. It's probably why things are hard for me now. It feels like being stuck on vacation. I don't know if I want to be on vacation all the time. It's a kind of hedonism that is. And I don't know if I'm into that. I don't know if I'm into that. Good time with good friends. Getting to enjoy time outside. Maybe doing some more of those things on my own. Going on hikes by myself. Doesn't always have to be an adventure sport. Going camping by myself. Finding solace and solitude. And I guess with all of this, too, is seeing my family. Observing what it is like to be in a long-term, successful partnership. And how it's knowing someone intimately through their quirks. And accepting their quirks. And not disregarding them. The little kid in me is also sensitive right now. Sensitive to the fact that Chiaki spent time with Kristen and Dave in person. And I feel jealous. Partially because I wish to spend time with them in person, too. And that I wish I had a slightly deeper connection sometimes. To both of them. And maybe the depth is already there. I don't know. I don't know. But she is allowed to be friends with whoever she pleases to. And so can my friends. And that's okay. And really what I just said is I want a deeper connection to friends at the end of the day. And I want to foster that. Genuinely. I hope she's doing well. I hope she's not having seizures. I hope she's healthy. I hope she's finding happiness. I hope she's doing well. It's interesting, some of the things that I'm thinking in my head right now, of, there's always reminders of the past. Getting these gifts and stuff from her, and letters, it all feels like a reminder of the past. Remember what it was like. Think about it, what it can be. But, yeah, I don't know. When we talk, were we really enjoying those moments together, at the end of the day? Some of the question for myself is, too, is am I enjoying the moments by myself? And if I'm not, what am I seeking? What am I looking for? What do I want in the moments by myself? What are the moments that I wish to have in friendships and relationships with other people? How do I foster those better? Yeah, I don't know. Sometimes it feels like the seeking is a desire to change the world at a massive scale. But, I wonder, is that really what I wish? Is that really what I wish to do? It's like, if I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of the whole world? What does it mean for me to take care of myself? I mean, largely that is a question of what is meaningful to me. Largely that is the question. It's like, if I can't take care of myself, how can I take care of the whole world? Part of taking care of myself is being outside, no doubt, and getting exercise and to some degree even a hard exercise, like swimming. That was hard. Not backing away from a challenge. To be surrounded by people who are thinking deeply about the world and are trying to actually change in the small ways that they can. And I wish to help them with that too. Sometimes it feels like we all see some of the same kinds of things and yet not much is being done about it. What are the ways that we can do more with what we have already? These are so vague questions. Even answers. And for me it becomes, well, who are going to be the people? What does it mean to be in deep conversation with someone? What is meaningful as a human being? Thank you. All of this is challenging. I'm going to pause this and I guess listen to John Verbeke for at least 10 minutes. And then I guess give Austin a call soon. I'll probably call Alex today too.
89.38% similar
The speaker reflects on the idea of having a reflective surface to contemplate their own thoughts and share them with others, possibly through a podcast. They express discomfort with the idea of constantly documenting life and taking photos, feeling that it detracts from being present in the moment. The speaker acknowledges their desire for self-reflection may be narcissistic and expresses a sense of having work to do in that regard. The passage concludes with the speaker mentioning meeting someone and considering giving them a "slackline." ClimbSpec webbing is highly durable and has a low stretch, making it suitable for various climbing applications. The price of ClimbSpec webbing can vary depending on the length and width you require. It is always good to check with different retailers or the manufacturer to find the best price for the specific webbing you need.
89.21% similar
This weekend is a self-gift of relaxation and personal time, feeling grateful for the opportunity to take a break from constant activity. Despite various ambitions, the speaker finds comfort in simple pleasures like making a sweatshirt, chatting with a friend, doing laundry, and writing without pressure. The speaker emphasizes the need for self-care, planning to spend time reading, playing music or video games, and considering meditation to take personal inventory. In this reflection, they express a desire to incorporate self-gifting into daily life, finding the idea to be a positive and fulfilling approach.
89.18% similar
The speaker reflects on appreciating unstructured, positive, and gratifying real-world experiences, highlighting the refreshing nature of simple, meaningful conversations. They enjoyed a fantastic afternoon playing by themselves, and express a desire to also play with others in the future. Sharing these enjoyable moments and connecting with people seem to be important to the speaker. They emphasize the beauty in simplicity and the joy found in everyday experiences, suggesting an aspiration to log such moments in their life.
The dream involved the concept of pressure as a catalyst for achieving desired outcomes. The dreamer emphasized the importance of experiencing and balancing the right amount of pressure. Additionally, they mentioned the upcoming holidays, indicating a need to prioritize holiday-related activities and take a break from their current pursuits. The dreamer expressed a desire to temporarily disengage from their current situation in order to focus on the holiday season.
The speaker is contemplating the meaning of life and what they wish to incorporate into their own existence. They acknowledge a feeling of loneliness and express a desire to be more social and connect with others. The individual recognizes that they have the opportunity to interact with people, such as starting conversations in a queue. They encourage themselves not to be shy, suggesting that reaching out is well within their capabilities.